Bachelor in Paradise Season Premiere Recap: 'Amazing, Thrilling, and a Little Scary' (2023)

Hello again, rose lovers! In most of our country, the vision of a pandemic-free summer never materialized. (Get vaccinated, FFS!) But at least there's one part of the world where hot, horny singles can abandon caution, dignity, and common sense:singles in paradise, that little stretch of beach where little crabs roam freelyManufacturers reserve the rightPortray candidates in a way that "could be embarrassing, unflattering, humiliating and/or derogatory and/or could present you in a false light".

Let's recap!

The intros are a little different this time, maybe becauseWe don't have Chris Harrisonto welcome us back and set the stage for a summer full of "romance". Instead, the show opens with a montage of some of the arriving paradisiacs (see previously announced castHere) before moving on to some strategically chosen packages:

Serena P., 23
Last seen...Hometown Dumping Buddythe single.
Hoping to meet:Brendan from Tayshia's season. "He's... a very handsome man," says the tiny Canadian publicist. "A fine specimen."

brandao, 31
Last seen...break up with tayshiafarewell partyBecause I wasn't ready for a deal. But now... "I leave the past in the past", says the model and carpenter. "And the prospect of falling in love in paradise is amazing, exciting and a little scary."

Tahjuan, 28
Last seen...melt with the heatBiP6. And wouldn't you know? The show once again gives Tahz the drama queen's edition. See your first Chiron:

A B CTahz can't stand the heat of 'Paradise'

"Last time inParadise"I was overheated," she explains. "I was trapped in the heat and I couldn't even think about love." However, now Tahz says she is a "new person", and that person likes to refer to herself in the third person. love," she explains.
Hoping to meet:Ivan from Tayshia's season because he's handsome, has a career, and is throwing a "party" for him.Hose."

Ivan, 29
Last seen...being abandoned by tayshia infarewell partybecause their religious beliefs did not match. Now the aeronautical engineer says he is "fully recovered" and ready to settle down and have children. Here he is playing with his niece:

A B CIvan and his niece

A B CHe's back, I sigh.

Straight from Olympus [sic], they are!

Maria, 25
last seen...being sent home on Matt's season.
Hoping to meet:Kenny, Clare and Tayshia's season boy band manager. "He IS really attractive," says Mari. "Also, I like that he's older. He's more mature." cut to...

A B CBurn that SUV, immediately!

Yes, that's itkenny. "I might be one of the oldest [contestants] to ever be in heaven," says the 40-year-old, who appears to have zero percent body fat. "I'm ready to have the best summer of my life, no clothes, no worries. I'll take anything."

kelly, 30
Last seen...spitting champagne all over himself in Peter's season.

A B C"O?

Today, Kelsey says she's a completely different person. “I am proud of the growth I have achieved. I started to really love myself and I'm not looking for anyone to fill my voids.Honig. NO.

(I'm going to omit Wells' first appearance because, as you may recall, dear rose lovers, I'm not a huge fan of Wells; more specifically, I'm not a huge fan of his sleazy behavior and smug, smug "humor" ). .”)

As for Kelsey's decision to use milk of magnesia under her makeup to prevent smudging? apparently that's ita real thingPeople do! You learn something new every day.

Connor B., 29
Last seen...Obtain Katie's Season Bootfarewell partyfor being a terrible kisser.
Hoping to meet:Abigail? Brittany? Yesênia? In fact, Connor isn't interested in meeting any of the women he sings about on the beach. In reality, Connor is just hoping for a record deal, because this Nashville "math teacher" is clearly just an aspiring musician. I really wish the producers hadn't let him bring his guitar. Sheet.

Jessenia, 28
Last seen...left after confessing her love for Mattthe single.
Hoping to meet:Joe's grocery store. Talking about…

José, 35
Last seen...in season 27 ofdancing with the stars.
Although fans nicknamed him "Grocery Store Joe" after he was eliminated on the first night of Becca's seasonfarewell partyJoe says he no longer owns a grocery store. He is too busy hostingBachelor-Nation-Podcastsand otherwise live the influencer life. Sadly, Joe is no longer with Kendall, the taxidermy enthusiast he fell in love with.BiPSeason 5. "Kendall and I dated for two years," says Joe. "We were in love, but our futures didn't match."

Here's the good news: Joe's mom and dad are fully supportive of their son's decision to take action.Hilo STDfor the second time. "As long as you don't cry, I'm happy, that's the first thing," complains Pops. "And second, I want you to meet someone because I want to have grandchildren before I die." Awww, Joe's dad is adorable even if he isgesture of disapprovalthey have outdated beliefs about men who express their feelings.

No more flirting. Isn't it time to start this "journey"?

A B CHe's not wrong.

Yes let's go! Thank you, distinguished innkeeper.david espada. Abigail is the first down the stairs, and our hostess, of course, is delighted. "I can see why everyone likes her," she notes. "She's a sweetheart." Joe is next, and David Spade hits him with a pun: "If any encounters happen here, do you think it'll pack double?" (Ba-dum-boom).

Ivan is the third to arrive, and as we speak with Joe and Abigail, we learn that Ivan and Joe are interested in meeting Serena P. Should I say that Serena P. is next to emerge from the palm leaves? Of course. Grocery Joe is immediately put off. "Don't come here guys!" says America. "It's just a love trap." Correct!

Do we really need to see a full 64 seconds of David Spade trying to open a bottle of champagne for Kelsey? No we do not. You have theundergraduate internsfor this.

A B CNo, Wells can do the basic work.

Advance! Then Brendan walks downstairs and the entire jungle nods its approval. The other guys already know they're in trouble. "I know he's going to be very popular here," says Ivan, while Joe says Brendan's style and style makes him "insecure." It doesn't help that Kelsey suddenly mocks Joe's super casual outfit: "You look like you just stepped out of a gym," which comes across as rude. It's the beach, Beeyotch! Of course he's not wearing a tuxedo.

Hello andnatasha! This 33-year-old event planner was very fond of GIFs during Peter's season, so here's hoping she brings her expression game to Heaven. the next one is to standTammy, the Spitfire of Peter's season, and is excited to meet our famous guest host.

A B CTammy is mistaking David Spade for…yes.

Close enough! It's time for a quick spin: here comes Jessenia;three, 26(Katie season); ANDAaron, 26(Katie Season)! So it's time for Kenny to make his grand entrance along with this Black Box of Shame™.

A B COf course, Kenny, this is perfectly normal.

"David Spade, what the hell are you doing here?" Kenny asks. Sir, you walk naked in public, so you legally forfeit your right to question the actions of others. (Are we just supposed to pretend that David Spade's joke equating women with "tuna" never happened? Yeah, come on.)

So how do you greet a naked friend? Let Ivan show us how it's done.

A B CThe most uncomfortable hug in the world.

Arm length, tilt your pelvis out! It's a classic for a reason. “Kenny is completely naked and blesses us with his figure, his body,” observes Brendan. Natasha adds, "Kenny is naked and I love the view." Good thing there are no human resources in paradise!

And the presentations still not. welcome please...

A B C

Looks like he's thinking about growing his mustache again, the one Tayshia shaved off.farewell party. More importantly, he's interested in pursuing Abigail, which is great because she's at the beach and worried about not meeting a guy in paradise. "Honestly, I was hoping you were here earlier so I could meet you," admits Abigail Noah. And she LOVES it. "They're in love, guys!" Kelsey yells, watching Noah and Abigail flirt.

When it comes time for Joe to flirt with his first choice, Serena P., things don't go so smoothly. "You're from Toronto, right?" he asks. "Toronto is so ugly on the outside, but beautiful on the inside... not like you! You're beautiful on the outside, but I still can't figure out what's on the inside." Stupid Joe. Wow, that guy is lucky to be handsome.

A B CWelcome back to Grocery Joe.

And he knows it too. "I can't believe how clumsy I can be at times," he says with a groan. "But Serena is super cute and managed to make me feel reasonably comfortable."

Unfortunately for Joe, Serena skips straight from Joe to Brendan, whose flashy Hawaiian shirt catches her eye. As more Paradisers arrive, first Connor B., thenDean, 25(Peter Season) - Joe is upset because he feels a little weird, that maybe he just doesn't belong in this paradise. “You want to know the truth? My conversation with Serena P. was like a conversation with Kendall,” she admits. “So, you know?” She fidgets a little. “It's weird. I probably shouldn't have come back."

Oh, chic chic, Grocery Joe! It's only been half an hour. Besides, you haven't even met the next "lady" coming down the stairs:

A B CVitória has a new face.

"Oh, that's fine, I wasn't CCed for that," David Spade wryly replies. The "sun goddess" says she will bring "a lot of life and love" to the beach. As if it were honey. "She's going to start something [bip],” David Spade mutters into the camera. Correct!

Is anyone else here? Exactly our question. The answer is yes, although I swear, lover of roses, I don't remember anything.Mauritius, 25(Peter Season). Also present: Mari. Hugs everywhere! ("Hug, hug, hug, I love you," comments David Spade from the upstairs bar. "I'm going to hate you in three days...") Nu Kenny literally yells "dibs" to Mari because... "It was the hottest girl on Matt's season."

Ewww... I really hope they burned that couch after Kenny left.

A B CIs this a technically hostile work environment?

After running back to his seat to greet the crowd, David Spade arrives just in time to find Tahz, who says she's excited until she isn't. You understand. When Tre sees her on the beach, he gets excited. "I think I know her!" he says, running over to say hello. In fact, they know each other. "I know Tre because I had a date with his uncle," he explains. I don't know about you rose lovers, but I'm not close enoughanywhen my uncles recognized a woman they continueda datewith. Tre almost winces when Tahz informs her that she and her uncle kissed too. Poor boy.

Remember that guy who appeared on a giant Katie's Season gift box? Well he just got down!Jaime, 31She still has a pound of product in her hair, dammit! (Maybe you have Milk of Magnesia under your gel)?Victoria P., 30, Peter's squad nurse appears next, followed byAnother Serena, 25, the woman who feuded with Katie during Matt's run. So we have to end the arrivals now, right?

Of course. Mount Vesuvius, points out Aaron, stopped for a day before erupting, and everyonesingles in paradisePremiere tricks viewers into thinking the flow of fresh meat has stopped... before turning it up again at least three times.

welcome pleaseCarlos, 34,the motivational speaker sprinkled throughout Katie's Wrong Reasons™ season. "I want to get engaged here!" says Carlos. "We're going all the way!" but it's you First, Karl Tahz gives a kind ofdrinkerconsent. "I saw you last season. You were funny," he says, and thengo through itwithout even saying her name which she asks twice. Says Tahz, sobbing, "Who wears a fucking watch and sneakers to the beach?"

With that, dear rose lovers, the performances are finally over. (For now...but more on that later.) David Spade gathers the cast in what he calls the "living room" and then brings in Wells to downplay the "rules" of heaven: "You find love or you go home ". ." This week, the men have the roses, so three women go home. (But by "this week", Wells really means "next Monday", because there's only one episode ofParadiseairs this week).

Oh God, I hope they burned that couch after Kenny got up.

A B C

Men are very excited to receive their roses this week. "Usually it's like a change in the dating dynamic for guys," says Tre. "Usually we hunt and track them in some way." (Hmmmm... not sure what I think of this somewhat old-fashioned take on traditional dating dynamics, but it'ssingle in paradisea useless reality show that I willingly watch. Can't complain!) Current love: Brendan is in love with Natasha; Aaron has his eyes on Tammy (and vice versa); Tre has a crush on Tahz... and might want to reciprocate, even if it's a "difficult situation".

Women don't like the idea of ​​having to go after men, even if they are the ones in danger this week. "I like to be courted," says Victoria L. Shame Toots! Get out and hurry. Mari, if you don't want your crush Kenny to talk to Natasha, put down your plate of food and "steal him for a second"! Wouldn't you rather pass out from malnutrition than die alone? I didn't imagine.

Also, how can people eat when Naked Kenny is so close to the food?

A B CGet your stuff out of your boots, Kenny!

This must be a violation of health regulations.

The first date card of the season is for Abigail,as good as it should. She is an angel that must be protected at all costs! Abigail chooses Noah and I admit they look really cute together.

Meanwhile, Joe rests alone on the beach, perhaps haunted by memories of falling in love with Kendall on that same stretch of beach. "I'm like, 'What am I doing here?'" he reflects. Gosh, the producers are working hard to get us to believe that Joe might be leaving, but who saw that?BiPbig teaseyou know you're going to stick around long enough to "connect" with Serena P. So let's move on.

Have you heard of the five second rule? No, no, the one - the one where you smile at a guy and he has five seconds to talk to you or else... I don't know, really. Anyway, it's Victoria L.'s rule and, well, it doesn't quite work.

A B CVictoria makes her move

The theme of Abigail and Noah's date is timeless: explosion at the piñata factory!

A B CAbigail and Noah on the first date of the season

“I feel like I'm in a haunted house,” says Abigail between giggles, delighted when Noah pulls his chair back from the table. "You should be used to it," says Noah. So it is! abigailit shouldused to men treating her with chivalry and respect. But Abigail says she doesn't date much, even though she often gets asked out. She likes to take it easy in a relationship, and Noah points out that such a strategy can be difficult on a reality show.

He's not pushy or pushy, he just makes it clear that he likes Abigail and hopes to develop a relationship with her, which, as you know, is the whole point of the program she signed up for.

"I have to be so sure about someone before I call them my friend," she says. “I became friends with the boys very quickly. I have to stop doing this." Noah tries to push Abigail a little further into the Open Up™ to find out what lies behind the "nice quiet girl" exterior.

"I'm just not an outwardly emotional person," she says. But Noah is not intimidated. "I think you have a heart of gold," he says. "And the fact that everyone applauded you when we went out on that date speaks to you…and I think you deserve it" Hmmm…is that an emotion I see on Abigail's face?

A B C

Awww, he looks happy, doesn't he? Then they smash some piñatas with plastic lightsabers (or something?) and Noah goes out to make out. Get it, friend zone! If you want to know what's happening on the beach...

A B C

Yes, Connor B. still does that weird thing where he holds his head when he's kissing someone. "Katie is wrong: Connor is a great kisser," informs Maurissa. [Suggestion "The more you know" -Music.] Tonight also sucking face…

A B C

That hickey happened right after Tahz said, "I need someone who's up for it." I guess you can't blame Tre for making the move. "Ten out of 10: great kiss," enthuses Tahz. "I really enjoyed kissing Tre…more than your uncle." Shudder.

Although Noah thought he and Abigail were having their first kiss in paradise, everyone appears to be making out, including Tammy and Aaron, Kenny and Mari, and Ivan and Jessenia. Yesemthink of them as those who received the coveted first kiss in paradise. only theBiPThe editorial team knows exactly.

"There are so many people making out tonight," says Deandra. I would like someone to kiss Joe, who is still sulking and moaning because he wants to go home. Thankfully, Serena P. pulls him into conversation, as their earlier conversation gave him "the party vibe," which is what we're saying this season, I guess.

Serena seeks out Joe for information about his breakup with Kendall. It turned out to be a "joint" decision, made in part because they couldn't agree on where to live. After Joe relaxes a bit, Serena P. starts teasing him to lighten the mood.

"Are you still freaking out about all this?" She asks. "Are you still thinking about your life?" He blushes and laughs, and as soon as I started uploading these two as a couple, they started talking about their ages. My God, how could he not make that connection: he's 35 and she's only 23. Cut! Interrupt! Interrupt!

"You're 12 years older than me," says Serena P. with a smile. "It's a completely different phase of life than mine." Correct! Interrupt! Instead…

A B C

Sigh. Well, I guess that's what the twenties are for: dating older, handsome men who wear socks with flip-flops. Live and Learn, Serena P.

The next morning, Wells tells David Spade about the kiss in paradise the night before. Meanwhile, Kelsey realizes that there are very few men left to graft. However, it will be difficult for her to start a conversation because, according to herself, she cannot pronounce half of the words in the dictionary correctly. (Say it with us, Kelsey:Chivalrous.)

Things look precarious for Deandra, for both Victoria and Natasha and Serena C., none of whom have "connected" with anyone yet. The only thing that could make things worse is a woman arriving in paradise next. cut to:

A B C

Yes, it's Demi B., Single Nationfirst (openly) bisexual contestant. And yes, he just called David Spade "Joe Dirt". We have no choice but to stand, as the kids say (probably not anymore). Date card in hand and the confidence to crush a coconut, Demi heads downstairs. "I look as good as a f-k now," he proclaims. "Those poor girls. I'll steal all your men!"

You'll have to wait until next week, honey, because this week's episode ofParadiseit's over. The 'This Season On' promo seemed appropriately over the top - tears! Romance! love triangles! more tears! fights! mass abuse! - and David Spade's final riff about crabs ("they're spiders with good PR") was pretty funny.

All that's left now, rose lovers, is to share your perspective on the first day of this paradise "trip". Which couples (if any) do you advocate for? Do you think Joe is still attached to Kendall? Have you tried Milk of Magnesia as a makeup base? Post your thoughts below!

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